Redneck Baptist Church

You are in a redneck Baptist Church if…
* The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
* People ask (when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000) whether the two fish were bass, crappie or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.
* When the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.
* Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
* A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get me out of.”
* The choir is known as the “OK Chorale.”
* In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
* Baptism is referred to as “branding.”
* There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.
* Finding and returning lost sheep isn’t just a parable.
* High notes on the organ set the dogs in the parking lot to howling.
* People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
* The baptismal font is a used dip tank donated by a farmer
* The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Larry, Darryl and Darryl’s Barbecue.
* The collection plates were made out of hubcaps from a ‘56 Chevy.
* The pulpit committee asks prospective pastors questions about hunting dogs, shotguns, and deer rifles.
If you have Mens and Ladies out-houses behind the church (and its part of the pastor’s job discription to clean em)!
If there are gun racks on each side of the front door.
If the church has smoking and non-smoking sections in the sanctuary.
If the outcome of the NASCAR Winston Cup points standing causes a church split.
If church discipline means a trip to the woodshed!
…you have a NASCAR driver’s name on your prayer list.
…you have made change out of the offering plate.
…you left the baptismal pool a little warmer than when you entered it.
…you have trucks in your parking lot with recently killed deer in the back.
If the communion cup holders on the backs of the pews double as spit cup holders.
If the men come in their “dress” bib overalls.
…if church potluck announcements have to specify “no roadkill”.
…your John Deere hat matches your tie.
If instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
If the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
If the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.
If “Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too.
If the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now!! Ya Hear!”
So go out there and git-r-done for Jesus!, because Jesus Got-r-done for us!