I stole this off a thread on Baptistboard!!! http://www.baptistboard.com/showthread.php?p=1189549#post1189549
I was laughing my head off...
Any pastor can relate to these...
YOU MIGHT BE A PASTOR IF...
~ Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.
~You've ever lied at a funeral.
~ You always read the obituaries.
~ You've ever suffered anxiety attack while playing Bible Trivia Pursuit.
~ You wonder why people who have some time to kill want to spend it with you.
~ You get your second wind when you say "And in conclusion"
~ The ideas you bounce off board members really do.
~ Your car tires are balding faster than your head.
~ You wish someone would steal some of your sheep.
~ You've seen more religion at a pool hall than you've seen at a Church softball match.
~ Your Bible has more side notes than printed text.
~ "Annual Church Meeting" and "Armageddon" are one and the same to you.
~ You jiggle all the toilet handles before you leave the church
building.
~ You've waded in a creek wearing a necktie.
~ You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were.
~ You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.
~ You see a picnic as no picnic.
~ You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.
~ You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.
~ You've ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.
~ You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn't mean praying for him.
~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep.
~ Your sermons have a happy ending...everyone's happy when it ends.
~ You've never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something.
~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
I HATE SATAN
I just had to say that... I hate satan.
He tears families apart.
He destroys lives
He seperates Christians
He tries to destroy churches...
And I can't wait until he is in the lake of fire burning, suffering, day and night forever and ever!!!
Sometimes I wonder if Hell is too good for that creature.
I just had to get that off of my chest.
Christians stay strong in the Lord.
Satan is trying to devour us...
He hates us.. He will do anything he can to destroy us.
He doesn't fight fair.
Remember though that in the end, WE WIN...
Did you read that Satan? YOU ARE A LOSER!!!!
For my LORD AND SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST, promised that your gates will fall, and we as Christians will be victorious! So stuff that in your pipe and smoke it.
He tears families apart.
He destroys lives
He seperates Christians
He tries to destroy churches...
And I can't wait until he is in the lake of fire burning, suffering, day and night forever and ever!!!
Sometimes I wonder if Hell is too good for that creature.
I just had to get that off of my chest.
Christians stay strong in the Lord.
Satan is trying to devour us...
He hates us.. He will do anything he can to destroy us.
He doesn't fight fair.
Remember though that in the end, WE WIN...
Did you read that Satan? YOU ARE A LOSER!!!!
For my LORD AND SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST, promised that your gates will fall, and we as Christians will be victorious! So stuff that in your pipe and smoke it.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Two of my favorite female vocalists
Bonnie Rait, and Norah Jones...
Tabatha can't understand why I like them, but there is something different in their voices.... They sure beat the teeny bopper pop junk out there today... Here they are singing Tennessee Waltz..
Tabatha can't understand why I like them, but there is something different in their voices.... They sure beat the teeny bopper pop junk out there today... Here they are singing Tennessee Waltz..
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The 7 steps to understanding the Bible
In order to properly apply a Bible scripture to your life, you have to properly interpret the scripture.
If you apply the scripture without the proper interpretation it is called eisegesis. This is using the Bible in a wrong way. It is making the Bible say what you want it to say. It is adding to the Bible.
When you first interpret the scripture, then apply it, it is called exegesis. This is drawing the meaning of the text from the text. This is what we should be doing.
Here is a list to run through when you approach a scripture. Remember to always pray first. It is God that directs your steps.
1) Lexical: When you read a passage, do you know what all the words mean? Define all questionable words. Remember, as someone has said before, “If the plain sense makes sense, seek no other sense.”
2) Literary: What section of the Bible are you in? Prophecy, narrative, poetry, letters, history, etc. A proper understanding of each section will help you know when to take the scripture literally, of figuratively. Whether it is to be General doctrine or specific doctrine…
3) Historical/Cultural: When was the book written? What was going on in history at the time the book was written? What did this passage mean to the original readers?
4) Theological: What are the other scriptures in the Bible that deal with the same subject as this scripture? Imagine all the writers of the scripture sitting around a table discussing this scripture, what would they say?
5) Contextual: Look at the scriptures surrounding this scripture, in what context is the verse written in?
6) Orthodox: If the meaning of the scripture can be debatable, how has the church interpreted this passage in the past? That may give you an idea. You are not bound to believe someone’s interpretation, but it may give you fresh way to look at the passage.
AFTER, and ONLY AFTER, you interpret what the passage says:
If you try to apply a scripture before you understand the meaning behind the scripture you will be guilty of eisegesis (reading your meaning into scripture) The goal of any Bible student should be exegesis (extracting the meaning FROM scripture, and applying it to your life) So, AFTER understanding the meaning of the scripture as the original readers would have understood it, you can then apply it to your situation...
7) Application: Ask, “What does this mean for me today?” “Why did God put this in the Bible?” “If this wasn’t in the Bible, how would it affect my life?” “What can I get out of this passage that will help me, or help others?”
SO, go ahead, and pick a scripture and practice. I may go over a few here in the next few days to show you how it's done...
Here is a worksheet you can cut and paste to help you work through this process...
The 7 steps to understanding the Bible
Worksheet:
Scripture: ________________________
Author: ________________________ Date of writing: _________
Type of writing: (literary style) ___________________________
Lexical (definitions of words):
Historical/cultural influences:
Theological (Other scripture in the Bible that are connected to this passage):
Context of surrounding scripture:
Orthodox (What has been the teaching of the church?):
How does passage this apply to me?
If you apply the scripture without the proper interpretation it is called eisegesis. This is using the Bible in a wrong way. It is making the Bible say what you want it to say. It is adding to the Bible.
When you first interpret the scripture, then apply it, it is called exegesis. This is drawing the meaning of the text from the text. This is what we should be doing.
Here is a list to run through when you approach a scripture. Remember to always pray first. It is God that directs your steps.
1) Lexical: When you read a passage, do you know what all the words mean? Define all questionable words. Remember, as someone has said before, “If the plain sense makes sense, seek no other sense.”
2) Literary: What section of the Bible are you in? Prophecy, narrative, poetry, letters, history, etc. A proper understanding of each section will help you know when to take the scripture literally, of figuratively. Whether it is to be General doctrine or specific doctrine…
3) Historical/Cultural: When was the book written? What was going on in history at the time the book was written? What did this passage mean to the original readers?
4) Theological: What are the other scriptures in the Bible that deal with the same subject as this scripture? Imagine all the writers of the scripture sitting around a table discussing this scripture, what would they say?
5) Contextual: Look at the scriptures surrounding this scripture, in what context is the verse written in?
6) Orthodox: If the meaning of the scripture can be debatable, how has the church interpreted this passage in the past? That may give you an idea. You are not bound to believe someone’s interpretation, but it may give you fresh way to look at the passage.
AFTER, and ONLY AFTER, you interpret what the passage says:
If you try to apply a scripture before you understand the meaning behind the scripture you will be guilty of eisegesis (reading your meaning into scripture) The goal of any Bible student should be exegesis (extracting the meaning FROM scripture, and applying it to your life) So, AFTER understanding the meaning of the scripture as the original readers would have understood it, you can then apply it to your situation...
7) Application: Ask, “What does this mean for me today?” “Why did God put this in the Bible?” “If this wasn’t in the Bible, how would it affect my life?” “What can I get out of this passage that will help me, or help others?”
SO, go ahead, and pick a scripture and practice. I may go over a few here in the next few days to show you how it's done...
Here is a worksheet you can cut and paste to help you work through this process...
The 7 steps to understanding the Bible
Worksheet:
Scripture: ________________________
Author: ________________________ Date of writing: _________
Type of writing: (literary style) ___________________________
Lexical (definitions of words):
Historical/cultural influences:
Theological (Other scripture in the Bible that are connected to this passage):
Context of surrounding scripture:
Orthodox (What has been the teaching of the church?):
How does passage this apply to me?
Saturday, February 9, 2008
The pentecostal dog
I got this off a post on Baptistboard....
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new
dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a
kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity
with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct
passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to
visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses.
The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair,
placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to
howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal !"
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new
dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a
kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity
with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct
passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to
visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses.
The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair,
placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to
howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal !"
Friday, February 8, 2008
Another Gospel
What does the Bible say about those who preach another Gospel?
Galations 1:6-10 NIV
(6) I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel--
(7) which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ.
(8) But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned!
(9) As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!(10) Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Paul Called by God
So What is the Gospel?
Well, it is not a lovey dovey version that some preachers try to promote.
Some will preach anything to appease their audience.
Some refuse to say anything negative, and then cushion their heresy by saying they are called to preach "encouragement"...
Without sharing with people what sin is, and pointing out that they are condemned without Christ's sacrifice, the preacher is not doing his job of warning people of Hell...
By just patting someone on the back and saying "God wants you to have a victorious life" is not the Gospel...
The Gospel is Balanced...
Every human must hear what sin is...
The Bible says that the law was the Schoolmaster to point us to grace.
Without hearing the law, a person will never understand whythey are condemned to Hell. But once they understand that God set boundries for us humans to live in.. and when we cross a boundry, we have sinned against God.
For instance, when God said, do not commit Adultery, and someone commits adultery, they have crossed the boundry, and just sinned...
Add on top of this the statement Jesus made, that even if one lusts in their heart, they have committed adultery.
So, what person has not committed Adultery?
Or Have you ever stolen something? Anything? Even something small? If so, you are a thief...
Or have you ever lied about anything? anything?
Are you lying now?
If you have, you can now properly call yourself a liar.
Now God says in Revelation that liars will not go to Heaven.
(Don't look to Candy man preacher to tell you this... He would lose his congregation)
But here is the balance...
While you were yet Sinners Christ died for you...
Rom 5:8-10 KJV
(8) But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
(9) Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.
(10) For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.
See that, If you are justified (which is a legal word meaning to be declared righteous) with God, you will not face wrath....
So that leads to how a person is jusified....(declared righteous)
Rom 10:9-13 KJV
(9) That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
(10) For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
(11) For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed.
(12) For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him.
(13) For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
See that? Beleiveth unto righteousness...
So what does one have to believe? That Jesus was born from a virgin, lived a sinless life, died a sacrificial death, and rose again.
Because He was sinless, He could be your substitute... God placed the wrath that was legally intended for you on Jesus on the Cross... Jesus became sin, although he knew no sin....
If you believe that, and confess it to God, you are saved...
It is really simple...
So why do candy men preachers not want to tell you that you are a sinner on your way to Hell?
Paul also addresses this....
2Ti 4:3-4 KJV
(3) For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;
(4) And they shall turn away [their] ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.
What is Paul's suggestion?:
2Ti 4:2 KJV
(2) Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.
This was Paul writing to a young pastor...
Telling him to stand for truth, and rebuke the false teachers...
Paul also tells us that 2Ti 3:1-6 KJV
(1) This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
(2) For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
(3) Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,
(4) Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
(5) Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.
(6) For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts,
Now, let me ask you this... do you know any false teachers that have lead silly women away with lust?
Now don't get mad at me...
God instructed Paul to write it...
Go talk to God...
Galations 1:6-10 NIV
(6) I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel--
(7) which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ.
(8) But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned!
(9) As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!(10) Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Paul Called by God
So What is the Gospel?
Well, it is not a lovey dovey version that some preachers try to promote.
Some will preach anything to appease their audience.
Some refuse to say anything negative, and then cushion their heresy by saying they are called to preach "encouragement"...
Without sharing with people what sin is, and pointing out that they are condemned without Christ's sacrifice, the preacher is not doing his job of warning people of Hell...
By just patting someone on the back and saying "God wants you to have a victorious life" is not the Gospel...
The Gospel is Balanced...
Every human must hear what sin is...
The Bible says that the law was the Schoolmaster to point us to grace.
Without hearing the law, a person will never understand whythey are condemned to Hell. But once they understand that God set boundries for us humans to live in.. and when we cross a boundry, we have sinned against God.
For instance, when God said, do not commit Adultery, and someone commits adultery, they have crossed the boundry, and just sinned...
Add on top of this the statement Jesus made, that even if one lusts in their heart, they have committed adultery.
So, what person has not committed Adultery?
Or Have you ever stolen something? Anything? Even something small? If so, you are a thief...
Or have you ever lied about anything? anything?
Are you lying now?
If you have, you can now properly call yourself a liar.
Now God says in Revelation that liars will not go to Heaven.
(Don't look to Candy man preacher to tell you this... He would lose his congregation)
But here is the balance...
While you were yet Sinners Christ died for you...
Rom 5:8-10 KJV
(8) But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
(9) Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.
(10) For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.
See that, If you are justified (which is a legal word meaning to be declared righteous) with God, you will not face wrath....
So that leads to how a person is jusified....(declared righteous)
Rom 10:9-13 KJV
(9) That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
(10) For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
(11) For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed.
(12) For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him.
(13) For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
See that? Beleiveth unto righteousness...
So what does one have to believe? That Jesus was born from a virgin, lived a sinless life, died a sacrificial death, and rose again.
Because He was sinless, He could be your substitute... God placed the wrath that was legally intended for you on Jesus on the Cross... Jesus became sin, although he knew no sin....
If you believe that, and confess it to God, you are saved...
It is really simple...
So why do candy men preachers not want to tell you that you are a sinner on your way to Hell?
Paul also addresses this....
2Ti 4:3-4 KJV
(3) For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;
(4) And they shall turn away [their] ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.
What is Paul's suggestion?:
2Ti 4:2 KJV
(2) Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.
This was Paul writing to a young pastor...
Telling him to stand for truth, and rebuke the false teachers...
Paul also tells us that 2Ti 3:1-6 KJV
(1) This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
(2) For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
(3) Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,
(4) Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
(5) Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.
(6) For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts,
Now, let me ask you this... do you know any false teachers that have lead silly women away with lust?
Now don't get mad at me...
God instructed Paul to write it...
Go talk to God...
Love kid's style
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell...that's why perfume and deodorant is so popular." Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be painful." Manuel, age 8
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." Glenn, age 7
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome as anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, age 9
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, age 9
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF ADULTS EATING DINNER IN A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...other people care more about their food." Bart, age 9
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that's on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are---on fire." Christine, age 9
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." Dave, age 8
"Don't forget your wife's name..that will mess up the love." Erin, age 8
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"Love will find you. Even if you hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding the fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell...that's why perfume and deodorant is so popular." Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be painful." Manuel, age 8
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." Glenn, age 7
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome as anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, age 9
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, age 9
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF ADULTS EATING DINNER IN A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...other people care more about their food." Bart, age 9
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that's on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are---on fire." Christine, age 9
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." Dave, age 8
"Don't forget your wife's name..that will mess up the love." Erin, age 8
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"Love will find you. Even if you hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding the fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10
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